"The Haunted" Should Be Hunted Down...And Shot!

As Insane Clown Posse once said, "I'm back like scoliosis."

Did you miss me? Quit lying. You don't even know I'm here. If anyone does read this, please let me know. I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time. Oh, that's right, that's what I'm doing by reading these books.

Speaking of books, we have a real winner for today's posting. And, sorry, but I'm only scanning the front of the books from now on. Really, I mean, if you're interested in reading any of these (God help your poor soul!), the cover should sell you on them. What's behind the cool covers is gravy.

Today's gem is called The Haunted. Hmmm. There's puns to be had there, but this thing sucked most of the life right out of me. Not that it's bad. Well, it is. It sucks. But in a good way, kinda like that nerd who couldn't figure out what to do with his wang, but had overdeveloped lips from sucking on Mountain Dew bottles during those marathon role-playing fests. Ooh, too much information? Like there's anyone reading this. And, yes, I've slept with a couple of true nerds.

Forest (Run, Forest, run!) is Vietnam, fighting the VC, and he hasn't heard from his near-child bride Marcy (If you think that's best, Sir.) in nearly six months. So he asks his recluse sister, Jennifer, to check up on the wayward bride. She arrives at the house of Marcy's aunt and uncle, where she finds a bloated, catatonic Marcy and an evil uncle Horace.

Keeping up? Good. Doing better than I did. It seems Marcy has gone bonkers and her high-strung relatives are loading her down with sedatives to keep her under control until she can tell them what happened to drop kick her off the deep end. There are veiled threats and a creepy, stone-faced neighbor sneaking about. There are undertones of rape and various other types of abuse. There are boneheaded choices made. Oh, and it wouldn't be a gothic romance without the romance, right? It makes a shockingly out-of-place appearance in the last three pages. I kid you not.

The whole thing has the air of sleazy movie shot on a lunch-money budget, but, for some reason, I kept envisioning Bruce Willis as the menacing Uncle Horace. Get Tarantino to direct, and Bruce would be onboard for this cheese fest. But is it worth reading? Yeah. Definitely. It wasn't cluttered with romance. Tons of vague evil. And the whacked out Aunt Elna, well, you just have to read this thing to believe what she is like.

So, here's hoping that my next posting isn't as far inbetween. But you have to cut me some slack. I can't read this drivel ALL the time, even if I do love it. I had to recenter my literary tastes. But I'm back in the groove for trash once again.

I AM BACK!!

Ah, Sweet Devil

Now that I've taken great pains to explain the reason for liking gothics, it is time to start introducing you to them, one book at a time.

We start with one of the more outlandish titles I've read. Lord Satan by Janet Louise Roberts (but whose copyright lists a name of "Louisa Bronte," which makes you wonder if she truly is related to those wacky sisters of old).

Most gothics deal with supernatural material, but like most episodes of "Scooby Doo," the truth is that people are either under the influence of something (drugs, poison, paint chips or massive guilt combined with a touch of crazy) or they are just plain up to no good. This novel, barely larger than a novella, actually offers up not just one devil but two. Well, technically, three, but that would be spoiling things if I explained.

You have your basic set up here. Beautiful, young, innocent girl, suddenly alone in the world, discovers she has a distant relative, in this case a cousin. She travels to his castle. He is handsome and brutal, and our chaste heroine doesn't understand why her underthings get damp when cousin Vincent whips and curses some poor servant. Before you can ignore the vague incest element (Oh, come on! We ARE talking about Victorian Europe here, for the love of God!!), our perky, sickeningly sweet character stumbles upon a Satanic mass with nude women and bloodletting. What has she gotten herself into?!? But she seems to forget the next day when her rugged cousin talks to her and wiggles his eyebrows at her.

Soon she is falling for this lout and trying to change his ways. Still fairly typical of this sort of thing. Oh, I forgot to mention Vincent's dearly departed mommy keeps popping up to chat with our heroine about how to run the house and how to remove ring around the collar. Toss in slaughtered girls on the moors, rumors about Vincent's status amongst the townspeople, Vincent's growing love for his dear cousin and the admission he is half-devil.

Hang on. Did you just say, Vincent is a half-devil? Yup. A real cinder of the old block because Daddy was a full-blooded devil. No, really, you aren't misreading this. Devils. Magic powers. Chats with Satan. Cavorting with denizens of the Underworld. Yes, a devil.

And now this dirty devil wants to marry our poor sweet God-fearing girl.

This could be a sitcom. The scenes in which the Devil Daddy comes to have dinner with his half-breed son and his blonde squeeze are loopy and funnier than they were meant to be. The catch phrase could be "Vincent! You got some damning to explain."

Okay, I'll let up. Is this any good? Well, at 159 pages, there isn't enough time to find a lot to bitch about. It moves fast enough. And it almost seems like the story is nearly beside the point because the author obviously liked the characters, and she almost lets them overpower the story. Our plucky heroine maintains her sense of purpose and shows her loyalty and devotion by the time you reach the end, so she doesn't leave a completely bad taste in your mouth.

Verdict: Not as fun as a TMX ELmo, but good for a quick read.